This might take a while…
The place I reside on the Bipolar spectrum has me pretty much rubbing shoulders with schizophrenia to the point that sometimes I question whether I’ve been correctly diagnosed. My inner thoughts are basically a constant commentary by / conversation between five distinct people. When the mania really ramps up, I often experience what are best described as delusional thoughts, and sometimes see things that other people don’t see. I can sometimes get confused and believe that people, often those closest to me, are conspiring against me or wish me harm, or, when it goes even further, that they are controlling my thoughts and otherwise fucking with my head. That experience often multiplies into an acutely agoraphobic experience of paranoid delusions about humanity and this “reality” as a whole. Fortunately, I’ve gotten fairly good at being mindful and self-aware about these things and am generally able to treat and manage these symptoms through meditation, mindfulness, critical thinking, by channeling my energy into things like art, writing, and music, and with herbal remedies. Yet, like any other treatment for mental illness, nothing is a perfect, beautiful, simple cure, and the insanity still leaks through. And, let’s be honest, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it to a certain extent.
However, when every day is already a struggle to varying degrees to maintain perspective and not lose myself in the other, less strictly defined parts of myself, it makes it pretty fucking difficult when someone in my life is actually legitimately and, seemingly, intentionally fucking with my serenity, and that’s what it feels like is happening at work right now. I got along with this individual quite swimmingly when she was managing the front of house, but since the managers played musical chairs and this person took over as culinary manager, nearly every shift I work with her is an exercise in futility and misery. She seems to have completely lost her sense of humor, so my inherently sarcastic and often cartoonishly absurd personality is suddenly a problem. When I do get serious and have a legitimate concern to discuss with her in the spirit of making my job and the experience for the rest of the team better she takes it as a personal attack on her character or leadership ability, and instead of hearing my concern and addressing the issue the conversation is turned against me to where I am accused of being the source of the problem. Classic gaslighting behavior. And on top of all that, since she has taken over the schedule I am regularly passed over for CGM or CRS shifts, which is where the money is made, but am still expected to go above and beyond every shift and carry the rest of the team or be available to cover callouts or house shifts at a moment’s notice. So now I have this almost daily experience with someone who actually fucking seems to be out to get me and it is causing the bullshit head trip nonsense that otherwise would be a more manageable issue to compound and multiply, and, well, we all know what the fuck went down last time that happened. Well, all of Us over here do, anyhow. Hashtag psychotic break bruh.
So, anyways, that’s why I’m looking for other work. Anyone wanna hire me?? 😂😂😂😂😂
