Throughout his story, when faced with something perceived as insurmountable, the Ryan’s defense mechanism has been to shut down, to push all others away, to isolate and to marinade in comfortable misanthropic loathing. Eventually this acidic process breaks down all the rotting weight and we are able to flush it away, leaving behind a sort of stripped, blank form. A sort of peacefulness from which we can rebuild.
But it never really addresses the disease at the core. And what we regenerate around and upon the core ends up inevitably infected and rotten.
I can’t afford to continue that cycle again.