lack of absolute reckless abandon

i am afraid of a lack of control

of losing


not in the sense of an

explosive act of anger

as that statement has come to

typically suggest

but in literally not having

the ability to control



this extends to interactions with

the other lumpy meat sacks

from casual exchanges

in a grocery isle

to intimate relationships

i fear my inability

to control








most specifically

as of late

i’ve come to this realization

in my conversations

with myself

my me

regardless of my level of connection to


i continuously come

upon instances of

bitter self-awareness

where I can

identify and analyze

a feeling of action or reaction

of distrust

i want to believe

my understanding of myself

is what it appears to be

and what all tangible evidence

suggests it to be




and absolute

free of condition or judgement

free of uncertainty

my demons want me to believe this is

all a lie

a ruse

they want me to play the game

the conditioned dance

the struggle with myself

which is them

which is me

which is nothing.

these are the lies that bleed true

this i know

but will never believe

a universe of difference between…

…the struggle

to defy our every instinctual objection

and plunge headlong

into something beyond understanding

with absolute reckless abandon.

© Ryan Scott Sanders and Hank The Wvrm, 2014-2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ryan Scott Sanders and Hank  The Wvrm, with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.  Music and video material contained, utilized, or linked in this post are the sole intellectual property of Ryan Scott Sanders and Digressed Mind, unless otherwise noted, and are protected and copyrighted as such.

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