nondescript compulsory presence the good of the machine is the good of all the new gods require this of us persistent longing gaze of a fractured thing relegated to the boundaries of your experience the sounds here are of a new kind of suffering sleekly attractive manner of packaging inexplicable ignorance pervades the false self … Continue reading unsurprised and apathetic
from everywhere prying eyes gaping maws it is from all time transfixed on this moment on me spikes of electrical current in my spine the worm roils awakened and afraid no path of reprieve the current overtakes me shocked into complacency i desire nothing but nothing.
I want to write. I want to document things. Show people things. Film. Photos. I want to. I dunno. Fucking leave something. Something out there some other piece of shit might find that opens something. Makes them think about or feel something they might not have otherwise. But then, at the end of the day, … Continue reading Oh, poor me…
I find myself in a horrible space today. I feel disconnected and unreal and separated from Being. My thoughts are rampant and volatile and nonsensical, full of formless anger and hatred and self-loathing and exhaustion. My state of mind alters and falters constantly and irrationally and without reason, forever into oblivion. I cannot make sense … Continue reading In The Ear Hole With An Ice Pick
. I came to a stark and sobering realization tonight. I am such a polluted and poisonous toxic black hole of a person and so completely consumed by self-loathing and unfathomable emptiness and insecurity that I cannot help but find the cracks and minuscule flaws in everyone and everything around me and exploit them, violently … Continue reading Embrace The Noose
"This digressed mind is a labyrinth of twisted abjection..." - Michael IX Williams • Abjection is a sort of perpetually bleak, depressed, hopeless, dejected state of mind and being. I have been feeling particularly abjected as of late, even after the most recent stay in the funny farm. • My memory of my struggle with … Continue reading A Labyrinth of Twisted Abjection, Part I
The Wvrm, the Slvg, the Pillow, and the rest of The Horde are chock full of clonazepam and goddamn government approved freedom loving tax supporting medical marijuana and we're on the bus with the most insane grindcore known to man blasting in our earholes and a bunch of other wack jobs on their way to … Continue reading Not A Proper Post (but here ya go)
Title from Buzzov*en, "Shove" from the album ...To a Frown I learned something interesting at my head shrinking session a couple days ago. Apparently, the current medical knowledge of the last decade or so indicates that anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication has little or no effect on bipolar symptoms, and in many cases can actually exacerbate … Continue reading Take a look around, man
and watch our worlds collide!
It's been just under six months that I've been completely off any sort of psychiatric medication. The last set of meds I was on triggered strange and terrible bouts of manic insanity, and I wanted to get back to an unmedicated baseline to see what that felt like. At no time in the last six … Continue reading So, you’re just gonna come back around here, show your face again like nothing happened?!
It has been this consistent thing of late where I see a living thing and recognizing that thing in its perpetual suffering and mortality depresses me in horrific existential crisis to my fragile core and all I want to see as a cure is the cessation of all existence. © Ryan Scott Sanders and Dharma and … Continue reading Cessation of All