I find myself in a horrible space today. I feel disconnected and unreal and separated from Being. My thoughts are rampant and volatile and nonsensical, full of formless anger and hatred and self-loathing and exhaustion. My state of mind alters and falters constantly and irrationally and without reason, forever into oblivion. I cannot make sense … Continue reading In The Ear Hole With An Ice Pick
Title: Fister, "Flail" from the PRIMITIVE MAN/FISTER Split 12" I've been reflecting lately on the pervasive idea that I don't have anyone in my life who I trust implicitly. Obsessive ruminations feeding a chasm of paranoia. An inability to forgive, to see the other side, to let go. Precious solitude reflected in a negative. Strangers … Continue reading Tormentor (I Am The Meteor Hammer)
Spinning: The Melvins, "Night Goat" I feel like my intellect is the only thing preventing me from diving headlong into insanity with utter abandon. Despite much evidence to the contrary, I am a fairly intelligent bag of meat and calcium, and my philosophical background ensures a certain level of logic and critical thinking. Thus I … Continue reading But You Can Make My Teeth Growl
Someone dear to me shared this outstanding post from Vice News on the subject of psychiatric medication withdrawal. You can find the original post by following this link.
Below is one of my own rantings on the subject from recent months.
I have been on and off various psychiatric medications for my entire adult life, mostly concurrent with a good fifteen plus years of self-medication with “illicit” drugs and alcohol. Surprise of all surprises, I am also the kind of “adult” who can never seem to get his fucking life together. This instability accounts for my inconsistency with staying on the legal drugs — I lose a job, I lose insurance coverage, I lose my doctor, I lose my mind. In the midst of this, I destroy everything.
Beyond that, I have ever increasing doubts about the efficacy of psych meds at all, coupled with growing anecdotal evidence and research suggesting I’ve never been accurately diagnosed in the first place. But that is a topic for another time…
I mentioned here that, for various reasons and circumstances, I would be going off the current “wonder drug” that I’ve been pumping through…
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“Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent. Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night. Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on … Continue reading Alan Moore, Rorschach, and the body
After months of dealing with paperwork, questionnaires, waiting in lines, hours on hold on the phone, ridiculous inquiries, bullshit red tape, and other fucking ridiculousness, I still am no closer to obtaining health insurance. I have no idea what is going on with my mental health disability claim, and am at a loss of who … Continue reading Rantings on Madness with a Dose of Damn the Man
The dreary, morose mood hanging in dense, foreboding clouds over Cheyenne yesterday was ideal to set the day's tone and prepare this sleepy town for the deceptively inconspicuous arrival of two of heavy music's most devastating forces. For a few frenetic hours, downtown Cheyenne's Ernie November store was home to the cataclysmic DOOM of Portland's the body and … Continue reading Released from Hell in Ecstatic Frenetic Suffering: An Evening with the body and Full of Hell
Image by Andrew Gable It has been brought to my attention, by some of the more laid-back voices in my head -- they had to band together in solidarity to be heard over the rest of this rabble -- that, by and large and for the most part and all that, our posts on this … Continue reading To Attempt Openness
Goddamnit if my happiest, most serene moments of any given day don't always come when the "rest" of the world is asleep. It's in these moments that I can't imagine why I would ever try to deny that fact, that I absolutely prefer to exist in solitary and apart from everyone else. It's also in … Continue reading An Intrepid, Wandering Hermit
i suppose i shouldn't be upset you're right, after all in a way. i don't care for you. i don't have the energy to. my compassion and empathy have been so abused and disregarded, even by my own choices, that i can no longer muster the energy to care. Even for you. © Ryan Scott Sanders … Continue reading an apology of sorts