I am having a really difficult time resolving my internal chaos and the bullshit that all entails with being a person in a relationship who can't always control how I lash out in moments of impulsive volatility and it's really fucking wearing on me. "Most people don't realize that two large pieces of coral, painted … Continue reading Ice Picks and Membranes
Title from Fistula, "Smoke Cat Hair and Toenails", from the album Vermin Prolificus Manic as fuck. This has been building. It's a frantic race to nowhere. A deranged rat on a hamster wheel. The sedatives aren't working ("I think I can handle my sedatives, bro..." -Charlie). Cyclical thought experiments. Running through my past transgressions. Recall, … Continue reading …down on the floor, scratching for more…
Title taken from SUMAC, "Thorn In The Lion's Paw" from the album The Deal Maybe there is a beast… maybe it's only us. -- William Golding September 14, 1953: On this day, William Golding submitted Strangers from Within to a publisher. The manuscript was rejected, but a month later a young editor picked it up from the reject pile. With … Continue reading In this wounded way, beast is born to wander crooked paths…
Or. Do. They? O.o 1.))) Every experience in this life is a lesson. The most difficult moments hide the lessons we most resist learning. 2.))) The things that make us angry show us when we need to practice letting go. Typing that sentence is a million times easier than figuring out how to actually do … Continue reading Ten Stupid Things That Sound Intelligent and Profound (Or Do They?)
i named her heart after a black hole sun but the truth is the void is in me as dense and suffocating as the ache in my fucking guts. i am the chasm which consumes all things with a hunger ravenous never replete. © Ryan Scott Sanders and Dharma and Belligerence: Mad Rants from a Free-Range … Continue reading i am the chasm
Title: PRIMITIVE MAN, "Stretched Thin" from the album SCORN I don't yet know where the Scorn lives. But when it comes out to play, it casts its shadow over everything. It permeates unsparingly, absolutely. The things it feeds on die with agonizing deflation. It feeds on all things. When it is here, it is the … Continue reading The Rotten Piece Inside of Me
Title: Fister, "Flail" from the PRIMITIVE MAN/FISTER Split 12" I've been reflecting lately on the pervasive idea that I don't have anyone in my life who I trust implicitly. Obsessive ruminations feeding a chasm of paranoia. An inability to forgive, to see the other side, to let go. Precious solitude reflected in a negative. Strangers … Continue reading Tormentor (I Am The Meteor Hammer)
Title: Full of Hell; "Thrum in the Deep", from Full of Hell & Merzbow ...a man locked up in a shriveled and frigid selfhood, with no living currency of faith and love between him and his fellow creatures... - Dylan Walker, "Ljudet Av Gud" Everything will be good for a time. A new job. A … Continue reading A Soul Unwound (Ljudet Av Gud) A Thrum In The Deep (The Voice of God)
Spinning: The Melvins, "Night Goat" I feel like my intellect is the only thing preventing me from diving headlong into insanity with utter abandon. Despite much evidence to the contrary, I am a fairly intelligent bag of meat and calcium, and my philosophical background ensures a certain level of logic and critical thinking. Thus I … Continue reading But You Can Make My Teeth Growl
Someone dear to me shared this outstanding post from Vice News on the subject of psychiatric medication withdrawal. You can find the original post by following this link.
Below is one of my own rantings on the subject from recent months.
I have been on and off various psychiatric medications for my entire adult life, mostly concurrent with a good fifteen plus years of self-medication with “illicit” drugs and alcohol. Surprise of all surprises, I am also the kind of “adult” who can never seem to get his fucking life together. This instability accounts for my inconsistency with staying on the legal drugs — I lose a job, I lose insurance coverage, I lose my doctor, I lose my mind. In the midst of this, I destroy everything.
Beyond that, I have ever increasing doubts about the efficacy of psych meds at all, coupled with growing anecdotal evidence and research suggesting I’ve never been accurately diagnosed in the first place. But that is a topic for another time…
I mentioned here that, for various reasons and circumstances, I would be going off the current “wonder drug” that I’ve been pumping through…
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