"This digressed mind is a labyrinth of twisted abjection..." - Michael IX Williams • Abjection is a sort of perpetually bleak, depressed, hopeless, dejected state of mind and being. I have been feeling particularly abjected as of late, even after the most recent stay in the funny farm. • My memory of my struggle with … Continue reading A Labyrinth of Twisted Abjection, Part I
This might take a while... The place I reside on the Bipolar spectrum has me pretty much rubbing shoulders with schizophrenia to the point that sometimes I question whether I've been correctly diagnosed. My inner thoughts are basically a constant commentary by / conversation between five distinct people. When the mania really ramps up, I … Continue reading Nucking Futs: A Tale Of Labor and Insanity
Title from Buzzov*en, "Shove" from the album ...To a Frown I learned something interesting at my head shrinking session a couple days ago. Apparently, the current medical knowledge of the last decade or so indicates that anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication has little or no effect on bipolar symptoms, and in many cases can actually exacerbate … Continue reading Take a look around, man and watch our worlds collide!
Title taken from Nirvana, "I Hate Myself And Want To Die" I've read several posts of late stating September is Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month. I recently blew the mind of a mental health social worker by dropping the term "suicidal ideation" during a clinical assessment. He went on to coyly suggest that, as "suicidal … Continue reading “In the someday, what’s that ‘S’ sound?”
It's been just under six months that I've been completely off any sort of psychiatric medication. The last set of meds I was on triggered strange and terrible bouts of manic insanity, and I wanted to get back to an unmedicated baseline to see what that felt like. At no time in the last six … Continue reading So, you’re just gonna come back around here, show your face again like nothing happened?!
Or. Do. They? O.o 1.))) Every experience in this life is a lesson. The most difficult moments hide the lessons we most resist learning. 2.))) The things that make us angry show us when we need to practice letting go. Typing that sentence is a million times easier than figuring out how to actually do … Continue reading Ten Stupid Things That Sound Intelligent and Profound (Or Do They?)
It has been this consistent thing of late where I see a living thing and recognizing that thing in its perpetual suffering and mortality depresses me in horrific existential crisis to my fragile core and all I want to see as a cure is the cessation of all existence. © Ryan Scott Sanders and Dharma and … Continue reading Cessation of All
I suspect almost every day that I’m living for nothing, I get depressed and I feel self-destructive and a lot of the time I don’t like myself. What’s more, the proximity of other humans often fills me with overwhelming anxiety, but I also feel that this precarious sentience is all we’ve got and, simplistic as … Continue reading Duties of a Precarious Sentience in the Epic Uncool
Title: Fister, "Flail" from the PRIMITIVE MAN/FISTER Split 12" I've been reflecting lately on the pervasive idea that I don't have anyone in my life who I trust implicitly. Obsessive ruminations feeding a chasm of paranoia. An inability to forgive, to see the other side, to let go. Precious solitude reflected in a negative. Strangers … Continue reading Tormentor (I Am The Meteor Hammer)
Title: Full of Hell; "Thrum in the Deep", from Full of Hell & Merzbow ...a man locked up in a shriveled and frigid selfhood, with no living currency of faith and love between him and his fellow creatures... - Dylan Walker, "Ljudet Av Gud" Everything will be good for a time. A new job. A … Continue reading A Soul Unwound (Ljudet Av Gud) A Thrum In The Deep (The Voice of God)