Ideation on Oblivion

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Image by Kurore García

This could be the brain cloud talking, but oblivion sounds so goddamn appealing in this moment…

Suicidal ideation is often a symptom of mental illness. In a small portion of the population, suicidal ideation is a side-effect of psychiatric medications used to treat mental illness. When stopping the use of psychiatric medications, often drastically increased suicidal ideation is a symptom of medication withdrawal, even when quitting medication under physician supervision.

Makes a whole lot of fucking sense, doesn’t it?

“Oblivion” by Mastodon

“I flew beyond the sun before it was time
Burning all the gold that held me inside my shell
Waiting for you to pull me back in
I almost had the world in my sight

Lost love
Bright eyes fading
Faster than stars falling
How can I tell you that I’ve failed?
Tell you I failed…

Falling from grace cause I’ve been away too long
Leaving you behind with me lonesome song
Now I’m lost in oblivion

I tried to burrow a hole into the ground
Breaking all the fingers and the nails from my hands
The eyes of a child see no wrong
Ignorant bliss, impending doom

Lost love
Bright eyes fading
Faster than stars falling
How can I tell you that I’ve failed?
Tell you I failed…

Falling from grace cause I’ve been away too long
Leaving you behind with me lonesome song
Now I’m lost in oblivion

Falling from grace cause I’ve been away too long
Leaving you behind with me lonesome song
Now I’m lost in oblivion

Falling from grace cause I’ve been away too long
Leaving you behind with me lonesome song
Now I’m lost in oblivion

Falling from grace cause I’ve been away too long
Leaving you behind with me lonesome song
Now I’m lost in oblivion, in oblivion, in oblivion……”

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Image by mumudeckerr

All Mike wanted was a Pepsi…

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If ever there was a tale to illustrate the need for widespread reform in how mental illness is handled in our society, it is the story of Mike.  All Mike wanted was a Pepsi. Just ONE Pepsi.

Next thing he knows, poor Mike is locked away in an institution.  Experience a first-hand account of Mike’s trials and tribulations below…

Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn’t work out the way I want it to.
I get real frustrated and I try hard to do it and I take my time and it doesn’t work out the way I want it to.
It’s like I concentrate real hard and it doesn’t work out.
Everything I do and everything I try never turns out.
It’s like I need time to figure these things out.
But there’s always someone there going,

Hey Mike:
You know we’ve been noticing you’ve been having a lot of problems lately.
You know, maybe you should get away and maybe you should talk about it, maybe you’ll feel a lot better.

And I go:
No it’s okay, you know I’ll figure it out, just leave me alone I’ll figure it out.
You know I’ll just work by myself.

And they go:
Well you know if you want to talk about it I’ll be here you know and you’ll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it.

And I go:
No I don’t want to I’m okay, I’ll figure it out myself and they just keep bugging me and they just keep bugging me and it builds up inside and it builds up inside.

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So you’re gonna be institutionalized
You’ll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won’t have any say
They’ll brainwash you until you see their way.

I’m not crazy!
(In an institution!)
You’re the one who’s crazy!
(In an institution!)
You’re driving me crazy!
(In an institution!)
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy — myself.

I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything.
But then again I was thinking about nothing.
And then my mom came in and I didn’t even know she was there she called my name.
And I didn’t even hear it, and then she started screaming: MIKE! MIKE!

And I go:
What, what’s the matter?

And she goes:
What’s the matter with you?

I go:
There’s nothing wrong mom.

And she goes:
Don’t tell me that, you’re on drugs!

And I go:
No mom I’m not on drugs I’m okay, I was just thinking you know, why don’t you get me a Pepsi.

And she goes:
NO you’re on drugs!

I go:
Mom I’m okay, I’m just thinking.

She goes:
No you’re not thinking, you’re on drugs! Normal people don’t act that way!

I go:
Mom just give me a Pepsi, please.
All I want is a Pepsi, and she wouldn’t give it to me!
All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn’t give it to me!
Just a Pepsi.

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They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you’re back, you’re treated like thieves
Drug you up because they’re lazy
It’s too much work to help a crazy.

I’m not crazy!
(In an institution!)
You’re the one who’s crazy!
(In an institution!)
You’re driving me crazy!
(In an institution!)
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy — myself.

I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a chair and they sat down, they go:
Mike, we need to talk to you.

And I go:
Okay what’s the matter?

They go:
Me and your mom have been noticing lately that you’ve been having a lot of problems.
You’ve been going off for no reason and we’re afraid you’re gonna hurt somebody.
We’re afraid you’re gonna hurt yourself.
So we decided that it would be in your interest if we put you somewhere.
Where you could get the help that you need.

And I go:
Wait, what are you talking about, we decided!?
My best interest?! How can you know what my best interest is?
How can you say what my best interest is? What are you trying to say, I’m crazy?
When I went to your schools, I went to your churches,
I went to your institutional learning facilities?! So how can you say I’m crazy?

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They say they’re gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I’ll be dead.

I’m not crazy!
(In an institution!)
You’re the one who’s crazy!
(In an institution!)
You’re driving me crazy!
(In an institution!)
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy — myself.

It doesn’t matter, I’ll probably get hit by a car anyway…

Suicidal Tendencies released their ninth studio album, 13, in March 2013. “Institutionalized” can be heard on their self-titled 1983 debut full-length.

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© Ryan Scott Sanders and Dharma and Belligerence: Mad Rants from a Free-Range Buddhist Hooligan, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ryan Scott Sanders and Dharma and Belligerence: Mad Rants from a Free-Range Buddhist Hooligan with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

…art reflects life reflects art reflects life reflects…

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…art reflects life reflects art reflects life reflects…

Experience shows us the objects of our obsession are reflected back at us from all corners. I have been consumed with feeling tossed aside, abandoned, of being failed by those I once felt closest to. So I see that in everything.

Watching last night’s episode of Better Call Saul thematically recalled this decimating track from PRIMITIVE MAN, which itself is a reflection of the tone of that current self obsession…

“all
will fail you
your family
will fail you
give up/fuck up
all this sorrow
consumes
all I love
life’s blood
is bound
chained down
to a finer grave
lined with shame
that is all mine
may their names
rot away
and turn to dust
in hell…”

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LOATHE

Yes…YESSS… Let the seething, broiling hatred wash over and consume you…consume you like maggots on bath salts eating the face of all existence. #BrutalPoetry

PRIMITIVE MAN are about to embark on an epic tour of the United Kingdom and Europe with Sea Bastard and Fister that will no doubt leave the whole of the continent in crumbling, desecrated shambles. I feel like I should have hitched a ride over as some kind of doomy fanboy stowaway, all part of my clever plan to become a bitter American expatriot gypsy madman, touring the European underground in my wanderlust caravan and spreading the word that not quite all Americans are inbred narcissistic fucktard right-wing religious extremist women-haters. Just the best of us. #Sarcasm

The Healing Power of DOOM

I feel almost overwhelmingly compelled to do something violent, hateful, and destructive.

Instead, I suppose I will spin this monolithic wave of apocalyptic transfusion and release the suffocating weight of my fury into the Universe.

Seriously, this song is so fucking intense that I feel godlike as it surrounds me at maximum volume. the body and Thou provide the soundtrack to my cathartic subconscious stirring serpentine conquest. Consumed by the gargantuan, omniscient spirit of sound and thunderous leaden weight created by their embroiled, raging collaborations, my being breaks free from constraint of ego, form, and definition and everything light and everything dark within me is released from oppressive experiential suffering and meaning. And in those moments all is…

And THAT is why music such as this is fucking invigorating, vital, and of absolute priceless value.

© Ryan Scott Sanders and Dharma and Belligerence: Mad Rants from a Free-Range Buddhist Hooligan, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ryan Scott Sanders and Dharma and Belligerence: Mad Rants from a Free-Range Buddhist Hooligan with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Lash of Gloom

I got a lash stuck in my eye today. It wedged impossibly between the lowest part of my eyeball, just where it meets the lid. To reach was insurmountable. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

we’re broken people (Video)

twenty one pilots: Live from The LC “Screen”

twenty one pilots is tyler jøseph and joshua dun

“Of course we write our own songs. No one in their right mind would do that to the bridge.” #TwitterQuote

This songs speaks a lot of my feelings right now. And my longings.

“I do not know why I would go
In front of you and hide my soul
Cause you’re the only one who knows it,
Yeah you’re the only one who knows it

And I will hide behind my pride
Don’t know why I think I can lie
Cause there’s a screen on my chest
Yeah there’s a screen on my chest

I’m standing in front of you
I’m standing in front of you
I’m trying to be so cool
Everything together trying to be so cool

I can’t see past my own nose, I’m seeing everything in slo-mo
Look out below crashing down to the ground just like a vertical locomotive
That’s a train, am I painting the picture that’s in my brain?
A train from the sky, locomotive, my motives are insane
My flow’s not great, okay, I conversate with people
Who know if I flow on a song I’ll get no radio play
While you’re doing fine, there’s some people and I
Who have a really tough time getting through this life
So excuse us while we sing to the sky.

I’m standing in front of you
I’m standing in front of you
I’m trying to be so cool
Everything together trying to be so cool

We’re broken
We’re broken
We’re broken
We’re broken people, oh.
We’re broken people, oh.

We’re broken
We’re broken
We’re broken
We’re broken people, oh.
We’re broken people, oh.

I’m standing in front of you
I’m standing in front of you
I’m trying to be so cool
Everything together trying to be so cool…”