"This digressed mind is a labyrinth of twisted abjection..." - Michael IX Williams • Abjection is a sort of perpetually bleak, depressed, hopeless, dejected state of mind and being. I have been feeling particularly abjected as of late, even after the most recent stay in the funny farm. • My memory of my struggle with … Continue reading A Labyrinth of Twisted Abjection, Part I
The social climate being what it is with regards to the dominant topics of the time, I've occasionally found myself pondering the ideas of gender, gender identity, and whatnot lately. In the current terminology I suppose I would most accurately be labeled a straight cis white male. Ugh, fucking horrible, those guys are the WORST, … Continue reading Pondering Gender and Identity and Whatnot
This might take a while... The place I reside on the Bipolar spectrum has me pretty much rubbing shoulders with schizophrenia to the point that sometimes I question whether I've been correctly diagnosed. My inner thoughts are basically a constant commentary by / conversation between five distinct people. When the mania really ramps up, I … Continue reading Nucking Futs: A Tale Of Labor and Insanity
Title taken from Nirvana, "I Hate Myself And Want To Die" I've read several posts of late stating September is Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month. I recently blew the mind of a mental health social worker by dropping the term "suicidal ideation" during a clinical assessment. He went on to coyly suggest that, as "suicidal … Continue reading “In the someday, what’s that ‘S’ sound?”
Title: Fister, "Flail" from the PRIMITIVE MAN/FISTER Split 12" I've been reflecting lately on the pervasive idea that I don't have anyone in my life who I trust implicitly. Obsessive ruminations feeding a chasm of paranoia. An inability to forgive, to see the other side, to let go. Precious solitude reflected in a negative. Strangers … Continue reading Tormentor (I Am The Meteor Hammer)
Title: Full of Hell; "Thrum in the Deep", from Full of Hell & Merzbow ...a man locked up in a shriveled and frigid selfhood, with no living currency of faith and love between him and his fellow creatures... - Dylan Walker, "Ljudet Av Gud" Everything will be good for a time. A new job. A … Continue reading A Soul Unwound (Ljudet Av Gud) A Thrum In The Deep (The Voice of God)
I think I might be schizophrenic. Does doubt concerning one's own sanity itself exclude the possibility of insanity? I am definitely paranoid and delusional. As stated here before, I can identify certain things in my mind as absurd and delusional on an intellectual level, but that does not prevent me from believing these absurdities to … Continue reading Just Insanity Things…
I hate people. It's a horrible thing for an aspiring Buddhist to feel. But, I hate people. I hate their busted faces, and I hate their bullshit opinions, and I hate having to put up with their constant barrage of inane moronic stupidity. But, most of all, I hate that they are goddamn everywhere and … Continue reading Misanthropic Rant Hinged on a Gypsy Dream (No Dharma Here)
Someone dear to me shared this outstanding post from Vice News on the subject of psychiatric medication withdrawal. You can find the original post by following this link.
Below is one of my own rantings on the subject from recent months.
I have been on and off various psychiatric medications for my entire adult life, mostly concurrent with a good fifteen plus years of self-medication with “illicit” drugs and alcohol. Surprise of all surprises, I am also the kind of “adult” who can never seem to get his fucking life together. This instability accounts for my inconsistency with staying on the legal drugs — I lose a job, I lose insurance coverage, I lose my doctor, I lose my mind. In the midst of this, I destroy everything.
Beyond that, I have ever increasing doubts about the efficacy of psych meds at all, coupled with growing anecdotal evidence and research suggesting I’ve never been accurately diagnosed in the first place. But that is a topic for another time…
I mentioned here that, for various reasons and circumstances, I would be going off the current “wonder drug” that I’ve been pumping through…
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Read "My daughter, who lost her battle with mental illness, is still the bravest person I know" by Doris A. Fuller on The Washington Post. In case some of y'all don't know, this "crazy emo brain cloud bullshit" kills motherfuckers. This kind of story always hits home, because it makes me realize the potential consequences … Continue reading “The demons got my beautiful, loving daughter…” via The Washington Post