"This digressed mind is a labyrinth of twisted abjection..." - Michael IX Williams • Abjection is a sort of perpetually bleak, depressed, hopeless, dejected state of mind and being. I have been feeling particularly abjected as of late, even after the most recent stay in the funny farm. • My memory of my struggle with … Continue reading A Labyrinth of Twisted Abjection, Part I
Title from Fistula, "Smoke Cat Hair and Toenails", from the album Vermin Prolificus Manic as fuck. This has been building. It's a frantic race to nowhere. A deranged rat on a hamster wheel. The sedatives aren't working ("I think I can handle my sedatives, bro..." -Charlie). Cyclical thought experiments. Running through my past transgressions. Recall, … Continue reading …down on the floor, scratching for more…
It's been just under six months that I've been completely off any sort of psychiatric medication. The last set of meds I was on triggered strange and terrible bouts of manic insanity, and I wanted to get back to an unmedicated baseline to see what that felt like. At no time in the last six … Continue reading So, you’re just gonna come back around here, show your face again like nothing happened?!
Title: Fister, "Flail" from the PRIMITIVE MAN/FISTER Split 12" I've been reflecting lately on the pervasive idea that I don't have anyone in my life who I trust implicitly. Obsessive ruminations feeding a chasm of paranoia. An inability to forgive, to see the other side, to let go. Precious solitude reflected in a negative. Strangers … Continue reading Tormentor (I Am The Meteor Hammer)
I hate people. It's a horrible thing for an aspiring Buddhist to feel. But, I hate people. I hate their busted faces, and I hate their bullshit opinions, and I hate having to put up with their constant barrage of inane moronic stupidity. But, most of all, I hate that they are goddamn everywhere and … Continue reading Misanthropic Rant Hinged on a Gypsy Dream (No Dharma Here)
Someone dear to me shared this outstanding post from Vice News on the subject of psychiatric medication withdrawal. You can find the original post by following this link.
Below is one of my own rantings on the subject from recent months.
I have been on and off various psychiatric medications for my entire adult life, mostly concurrent with a good fifteen plus years of self-medication with “illicit” drugs and alcohol. Surprise of all surprises, I am also the kind of “adult” who can never seem to get his fucking life together. This instability accounts for my inconsistency with staying on the legal drugs — I lose a job, I lose insurance coverage, I lose my doctor, I lose my mind. In the midst of this, I destroy everything.
Beyond that, I have ever increasing doubts about the efficacy of psych meds at all, coupled with growing anecdotal evidence and research suggesting I’ve never been accurately diagnosed in the first place. But that is a topic for another time…
I mentioned here that, for various reasons and circumstances, I would be going off the current “wonder drug” that I’ve been pumping through…
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After months of dealing with paperwork, questionnaires, waiting in lines, hours on hold on the phone, ridiculous inquiries, bullshit red tape, and other fucking ridiculousness, I still am no closer to obtaining health insurance. I have no idea what is going on with my mental health disability claim, and am at a loss of who … Continue reading Rantings on Madness with a Dose of Damn the Man
My scornful misanthropy is already getting in the way of my attempts to foster ambitious effort today. How am I supposed to do things that require me to be around people if every dumb fucking face I see nurtures boundless, inexplicable impulses towards wrathful violence and furious loathing? Not your face, though. Your face is … Continue reading Upon Waking, Pure Hatred — And Yet, An Appeal
Read "My daughter, who lost her battle with mental illness, is still the bravest person I know" by Doris A. Fuller on The Washington Post. In case some of y'all don't know, this "crazy emo brain cloud bullshit" kills motherfuckers. This kind of story always hits home, because it makes me realize the potential consequences … Continue reading “The demons got my beautiful, loving daughter…” via The Washington Post
I have been on and off various psychiatric medications for my entire adult life, mostly concurrent with a good fifteen plus years of self-medication with "illicit" drugs and alcohol. Surprise of all surprises, I am also the kind of "adult" who can never seem to get his fucking life together. This instability accounts for my … Continue reading The Pills You Take To Mend Will Be the Architects of Your Destruction: A Musing on Paxil and the Struggle With Madness