from everywhere prying eyes gaping maws it is from all time transfixed on this moment on me spikes of electrical current in my spine the worm roils awakened and afraid no path of reprieve the current overtakes me shocked into complacency i desire nothing but nothing.
I am having a really difficult time resolving my internal chaos and the bullshit that all entails with being a person in a relationship who can't always control how I lash out in moments of impulsive volatility and it's really fucking wearing on me. "Most people don't realize that two large pieces of coral, painted … Continue reading Ice Picks and Membranes
This might take a while... The place I reside on the Bipolar spectrum has me pretty much rubbing shoulders with schizophrenia to the point that sometimes I question whether I've been correctly diagnosed. My inner thoughts are basically a constant commentary by / conversation between five distinct people. When the mania really ramps up, I … Continue reading Nucking Futs: A Tale Of Labor and Insanity
Title from Fistula, "Smoke Cat Hair and Toenails", from the album Vermin Prolificus Manic as fuck. This has been building. It's a frantic race to nowhere. A deranged rat on a hamster wheel. The sedatives aren't working ("I think I can handle my sedatives, bro..." -Charlie). Cyclical thought experiments. Running through my past transgressions. Recall, … Continue reading …down on the floor, scratching for more…
It's been just under six months that I've been completely off any sort of psychiatric medication. The last set of meds I was on triggered strange and terrible bouts of manic insanity, and I wanted to get back to an unmedicated baseline to see what that felt like. At no time in the last six … Continue reading So, you’re just gonna come back around here, show your face again like nothing happened?!
Title: Cage the Elephant, "Spiderhead" from the album Melophobia * Images by Christopher Ian MacFarlane Perhaps one of the times my head explodes, these spiders will come pouring out. There will be casualties. The truly hardy ones will scatter on remaining legs to those dark corners of existence where few would think to find shelter. … Continue reading It all works out in time (You may take my eyes, but baby I’m not blind…)
I suspect almost every day that I’m living for nothing, I get depressed and I feel self-destructive and a lot of the time I don’t like myself. What’s more, the proximity of other humans often fills me with overwhelming anxiety, but I also feel that this precarious sentience is all we’ve got and, simplistic as … Continue reading Duties of a Precarious Sentience in the Epic Uncool
Title: Fister, "Flail" from the PRIMITIVE MAN/FISTER Split 12" I've been reflecting lately on the pervasive idea that I don't have anyone in my life who I trust implicitly. Obsessive ruminations feeding a chasm of paranoia. An inability to forgive, to see the other side, to let go. Precious solitude reflected in a negative. Strangers … Continue reading Tormentor (I Am The Meteor Hammer)
you're all in on the joke but the only thing i seem to find laughable are the reasons i no longer believe are good enough to not make this the final punchline. © Ryan Scott Sanders and Dharma and Belligerence: Mad Rants from a Free-Range Buddhist Hooligan, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without … Continue reading joke’s on me
Title: Full of Hell; "Thrum in the Deep", from Full of Hell & Merzbow ...a man locked up in a shriveled and frigid selfhood, with no living currency of faith and love between him and his fellow creatures... - Dylan Walker, "Ljudet Av Gud" Everything will be good for a time. A new job. A … Continue reading A Soul Unwound (Ljudet Av Gud) A Thrum In The Deep (The Voice of God)